Why the NHS Covid helpline is vital

Time goes by very slowly when you’re self-isolating. Happily, Britain’s covid helpline is there to provide relief.

I never realised how sophisticated the service was until I sought clarification on contradictory messages I’d received about the length of my confinement.

I started by dialling 119. A voice provided a series of options: Are you calling from England? Press 1. Scotland, press 2, etc.

Once my location within the kingdom was established, I was invited to state the reason for my inquiry: “(1) Vaccination bookings; (2) proof of vaccination for abroad; (3) Test and trace.”

At that point I wondered: where is the self-isolation advice? I eventually found it lurking under the “test and trace” option.

Crucially, I realised that this trial-and-error way of accessing information was a feature, not a bug in the system.

The process of establishing your geographical affiliation and the nature of your quest gives you a sense of achievement. But the fun is only beginning.

A cascade of menus still awaits. Each is preceded by a warning, which can be summarised thus:

“Please listen carefully to the following three options to ensure that you are directed to the appropriate area that will deal with your enquiry in the speediest manner possible. And do pay attention: once you’ve picked an option, you can’t go back and will have to call again. If you think you know all the options already, you’re wrong: we change them all the time. Okay, so the options for this particular question are…”

Some of the menus seem to simply restate the one before (there are subtle differences that you may spot as, inevitably, you repeat the process.)

Other menus are more challenging, such as: “Are you (1) about to go abroad; (2) under the age of 65; (3) allergic to RNA vaccines.”

If you hesitate for too long — more than 4 seconds — they cut you off (“goodbye” — click). That’s when you get to start all over again.

Eventually you learn to navigate the process and get to the self-isolation menu: “Are you: (1) At your a relative’s home; (2) experiencing loss of smell?; (3) an inmate at a HM Prison.”

Regardless of the answer, in my experience, the reply has been: “The NHS 119 line is now closed, call again later.”

Then you look at your watch: 55 minutes have gone by — you’re already almost a hour closer to the end of your self-isolation!

Importantly, they don’t tell you when the 119 service is open, which would spoil the game.

In short: the helpline offers an invaluable way for covid patients to pass the time.

However, as it with every new system, I believe it can be perfected further. I would suggest adding more, and more elaborate, options: “Which do you most identify as? (1) Zoroastrian; (2) someone born between March and August; (3) a numismatist ; (4) a strict pansexual; (5) a trained proctologist.”

I reckon covid patients could happily spend a whole 10 days answering on such an improved questionnaire.